Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
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“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
☠️☠️☠️
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.