All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
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My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?