[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
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I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
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Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
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I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
Establish dominance at work by telling your coworkers they look tired before they get a chance to say it to you
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
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I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
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Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
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teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
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date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
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“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
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Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head