me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
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I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
my proudest tweet
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
🤣😈🤣
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
Legend 🤣🤣
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop