“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
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I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
*cough*
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together