I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
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this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
those birds must be on payroll
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
Me when my alarm goes off
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
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You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.