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I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
Constantly torn between “Let’s automate it, it will save time!” and “I’ve spent 3 days automating a 30 minutes task”
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse