It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
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Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.