I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
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Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
Nice try, poison.
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
wait.
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
i’m eating chili cheese fries past 7 pm like i’m not someone who pulled a back muscle on the toilet reaching for the toilet paper roll.
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
My work here is don’t.
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.