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Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
Welcome to downtown where the crosswalk signals are merely suggestions and you hope the puddles are water.
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me