Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
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Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
What the hell is going on?
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy