I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
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The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
🍞🦆
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling