[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
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What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.