me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
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What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
Peace was never an option
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
This is a bad sign
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.