Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
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You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.