guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
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‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.