Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
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there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.