“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
You Might Also Like
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: the platypus doesn’t have teats so they sweat milk
sensitive skin
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.