[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
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*puts words between two asterisks*
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”