(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
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Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.