I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
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If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
I only look at Wordle for the articles
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.