Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
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Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.