Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
You Might Also Like
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
fly smarter, not harder
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.