Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
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[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.