You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
You Might Also Like
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone