Not me starting to realize, after 87 failed attempts to take a decent selfie, that the beauty of the soul is what really matters 🥲
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“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.