My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
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CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
I’m giving up for Lent.
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
Me: Maybe it’s the weed talking but your apartment seems enormous
IKEA Manager: Sir.
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements