“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
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How about I get 100% off by already being there
never forget
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
dads on road-trips be like
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”