I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
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What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
Weirdos gonna weird.
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
San Francisco has too many rules
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.