*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
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[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
Worst perfume name ever.
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.