Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
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ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
The Weeknd is back
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese