The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
You Might Also Like
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
They do NOT make the iPhone keypad for large hands … I go to type “hey” and it comes out “vvshddhhehe”
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.