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In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko