I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
You Might Also Like
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
My 6 year old asked to play charades with me yesterday. At first she was trapped behind an invisible wall, then suddenly she was eating soup, then driving a car. She dismissed each guess as completely absurd. Finally, frustrated by my ballerina guess, she said, “I’M A MIME, DAD!”
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?