Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
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I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
Welcome to the stomach
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!