[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
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[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
Every damn time
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk