Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
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My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this