Imma just leave this here…………
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Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh