ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
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At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
When taking your driving test:
1. Fasten seatbelt.
2. Adjust rear view mirror.
3. Ask examiner if he dropped 20 dollars on the floor, you’re quite sure it isn’t yours.
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*