Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
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Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot
Body by sandwich.
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
Phonetics
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.