My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
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Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
I’m awake but I object,
Just had my nails done!
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss