My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
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My life in a nutshell
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
Me irl
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
I think I’ll stand
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*