Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
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If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
This was my dad’s browser history.
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore