Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
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Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
Engagement photo shoots are so funny as a concept. Like girl, we believed you
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.