being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
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I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
iPhone X
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weirdWalking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation