Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
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Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms