Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
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[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
Okay, I’m still confused…
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
lot going on here, legally speaking.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
How to draw a duck
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe