Literally! 🤣 #dogs
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Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
Taco Bell, Exit 22
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
Ummm
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.