Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
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Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
the way this pissed me off… 😭
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
Me redecorating every room in my mind
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.