last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
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My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.